


I Found It in Your Eyes What Will Make Me Live

by Arrestzelle



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Comfort Sex, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-TEW, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:35:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3903253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arrestzelle/pseuds/Arrestzelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sharing a flat with Sebastian following the incident gave Joseph a stability that he desperately needed. Most days were good. But sometimes, they were bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Found It in Your Eyes What Will Make Me Live

Even three years after the horror, Joseph still needs distractions. Work was his main source of distraction for a while. Staying extra hours, delving into paperwork even at home. Sharing a flat with Sebastian made it easier. Sebastian was there to pry him, gently, from his work desk as he murmurs into his ear, telling him he needs rest. Joseph never argued. He melted easily into Sebastian's will and honestly, he knew Sebastian was doing only what Joseph would have done for him during the darkest times. It was amusing, how their roles had swapped entirely.

Sebastian had intense PTSD for the first year. He jolted at any sudden noise, reached for his gun. Jarring nightmares that made him bolt upright with a yell. After moving in with Joseph a year and two months since the incident, two weeks after their first kiss at Sebastian's apartment, it got easier. Nightmares weren't as common, though they did happen, which Sebastian felt guilty about every time. He hated jerking Joseph from his uneasy sleep with his shouts.

Not that Joseph was all that better. He woke up every couple hours, drenched in sweat, panting and heart racing. He didn't shout, but his mind was screaming. Sometimes it got so bad Joseph couldn't stand being conscious alone. He had to wake up Sebastian, but Sebastian didn't mind, because most times he was having a terrible dream. Ease filled Joseph's troubled mind when Sebastian wrapped his warm, strong arms around him and kissed his forehead, whispering to him that he was there.

Lately it's been much better. Joseph's crippling fear of waking up in that godforsaken place again, or losing himself, has all but disappeared as soon as Sebastian moved in with him. He began to think that maybe Sebastian made him feel normal again.

It's been around two years since they agreed to live together and as abrupt as the decision had been, Joseph felt it was the greatest one he's made in a while. 

 

It was one of those nights again. 

Joseph dreamed of burned men, deformed animals, creatures with geometrical heads that surrounded him. He was trapped and all he could do to escape was jolt from his dream with a breathless gasp, his eyes snapping open. Cold sweat covered his skin and his chest was heaving. A weak sob breaks free from the pressure building in his chest and he lifts a shaky hand to press it over his mouth, slowly sitting up. He brushes back his damp, messy bangs, staring out into their dimly lit room. Moonlight seeps in through the window above the dresser, casting an eery glow that only unsettled Joseph further.

It's been almost a week since his last nightmare, and he was beginning to have a foolish hope that he was going to move on. This was unexpected and he knew he wasn't going to sleep again tonight. At least not without Sebastian.

He tiredly peeks over his shoulder at his sleeping partner. He was resting on his side, facing Joseph. His long, dark brown locks were strewn across his pillow, rugged features tensed up and twitching. It didn't look like he was sleeping peacefully. Joseph carefully scoots closer, his hands still shaking and heart beating fast. He reaches out to gently draw the backs of his fingers down Sebastian's cheek, brushing across the stubble there. 

Slowly, very slowly, the fear and unease slithers away, replaced by a overwhelming warmth. Watching his lover sleep, his partner, it brought a tender look to his eyes. The horror he's faced can easily be washed away by this man. Even during the incident, something Joseph refuses to think back on nowadays (unlike his subconscious, apparently), Sebastian was there to support him and carry him through it. 

The way Sebastian eases his troubled mind was something Joseph treasured.

He notices Sebastian's body was twitching and he was making these quiet, mumbled noises. Concerned, Joseph scoots closer and brushes back his locks, speaking up in a soft voice.

“Seb?”

He gives a gentle shake to his shoulder, which easily stirs him awake. It didn't take much for either of them to wake up. Sebastian's heavy eyelids sleepily blink open and his twitching stops entirely. Joseph gives him a tiny purse of a smile and Sebastian slowly sits up, rubbing at his eye with the heel of his hand.

“Joseph,” he murmurs in a thick, sleep-heavy voice. Joseph gazes into his weary golden eyes for just a moment. Sebastian drops his hand down onto the bed and looks back at him, remaining silent. This would be the time to ask if Joseph was alright, but he could tell Joseph didn't need to be asked that. 

Joseph begins to lean in with his heart pounding, but not because of the dream anymore, and presses a soft, gentle kiss to his mouth. It wasn't often he made such forward advances. Sebastian typically was the lovey-dovey and cheesy one. Sebastian's lips were dry and slightly chapped, and being the dotting boyfriend he was, Joseph thought distantly that he should encourage him to drink more water later.

A low hum rumbles in Sebastian's chest during the kiss. Joseph shivers when he feels him drift a calloused, warm hand up Joseph's bicep. He cups the side of his neck, rough fingers slipping into his black locks. Joseph kisses him slowly, tenderly, each purse of his lips laced with intense adoration and desire. He feels Sebastian slide his hand around slowly from his neck to rub his thumb across the skin below Joseph's bottom lip. It was such an intimate touch that it made Joseph blush, his face growing hot. Something burns in his belly.

That's when he pulls away, opening his eyes to look into Sebastian's charming honey eyes. Sebastian smirks a little at him, an upturn of a corner to his mouth, his thumb running down from his lip to the bottom of his chin. Joseph subtly bites at his lip, staring at the other. The rest of the room was blurry due to the lack of his treasured glasses, and all he could see clearly was Sebastian, but he was perfectly fine with that.

“Bad dream?” Sebastian asks in a low whisper in the dim light of the moon, sliding his hand around to hold the side of Joseph's face, fingers slipping into his dark locks again. Joseph scoots closer, seeking his warmth, and nods with a strained tighten of his lips. Sebastian exhales heavily, stroking his cheek with his thumb tenderly. It made Joseph's belly fill with butterflies.

“You want me to hold you to help you sleep?” Sebastian murmured, looking at him with mild concern. Joseph hesitates, wetting his lips with a drift of his tongue, and clears his throat quietly.

“I don't know if I could sleep again,” he admits, looking back and forth between Sebastian's tired eyes. 

Sebastian gazes at him with a weak little smile.

“I don't think I could either,” Sebastian agrees, sliding his hand down from Joseph's face to take his hand instead. He gives a squeeze to it.

“You want to get up and watch TV or somethin'?” He suggests, arching a brow at Joseph. Joseph purses his lips and looks down to their hands. He gives a little shake to his head before speaking in a mumble.

“I.. don't want to get out of bed.”

“Okay. You just wanna lay down?”

“No,” Joseph begins, flicking his gaze back up to him. He blushes slightly, hoping Sebastian can't notice the difference in the dim light. He is silent for a moment, glancing down to their laps. He was a grown man, why was this so embarrassing to him? He sighs heavily and peeks up at Sebastian. Sebastian was watching him, waiting for him to spit it out.

“I want...” He begins, hesitating. Sebastian patiently waits, a slight furrow forming in his brow. Joseph looks away before saying quietly, “I want to forget my dream. I know I told you before that distractions really... um, help.” This was probably a really lame way to go about it, but he isn't typically the type to just come onto Sebastian out of nowhere, especially after they both had nightmares.

Sebastian looks more confused, brow knit and eyes narrowed slightly. But only for a moment, before it clicks and he blinks a couple times, realization lighting up in his eyes.

“Oh,” he begins, before a little smirk pulls at his lips, amusement laced in every word, “How suave of you, Joseph.” 

He was only teasing but it struck something in Joseph that made him bristle up.

“Sebastian, you know I'm not the most forward person with this kind of thing,” he remarks, huffing and pulling his hand from Sebastian's, “If you don't want to, then we don't have to.” Using his full name makes Sebastian instantly reach for him, taking a gentle hold of his bicep before he could even begin to pull away.

“Hey, I was only kiddin',” Sebastian begins, scooting closer and reaching his other hand up to cup his cheek, earning Joseph's wary gaze again. Sebastian licks his lips, maybe nervously, and speaks in a low murmur, “Of course I want to.”

Joseph watches him, remaining silent. Sebastian opens his mouth, hesitating for a moment with a little exasperated exhale, before continuing in a quiet tone, “I would... er, initiate it more if I was sure of what you wanted. We haven't been together long and considering... well, everything, I don't want to overstep any boundaries.”

“I am not some delicate woman,” Joseph remarks almost immediately, brow set and lips in a frown. That was unfair of him to say, seeing as Sebastian was only looking out for him, but Joseph didn't _want_ to feel delicate. 

For a long time, Joseph felt less and less like a man after what happened. Constant panic attacks, mental break downs, depending heavily on others. Joseph had begun to wonder what kind of man he was. Even though he knew it was silly to question his masculinity because of his mental state. He knows he shouldn't have looked at it in that way, but he couldn't help it. 

So now, he didn't want Sebastian to hesitate simply because he was afraid intimacy would make him crumble. Which was ridiculous, because intimacy is what pushed the haunting darkness away.

“I know, Joseph, but--”

“Seb,” Joseph begins, gently cutting him off, relaxing his tense expression a bit. Sebastian closes his mouth and looks at him with hard eyes.

“You touching me helps,” Joseph says quietly, averting his eyes. His stomach twists with embarrassment and anxiety, but he continues nonetheless.

“It's not like being touched intimately makes me think back on what happened... It's a good distraction.” He swallows thickly and peeks back at Sebastian. Face growing warm, he adds, “Uh, and well, you know. I like doing it with you.”

God, this was so embarrassing. They have only had sex a couple times before, so it was just a little unusual talking about it outright like this.

Sebastian chuckles, earning a flustered glare from Joseph. He has a little grin on his face, the crows feet at the corners of his eyes becoming pronounced. Joseph huffs and looks away, embarrassed. Sebastian snickers a little before speaking in a low, teasing tone.

“Okay, you can be pretty damn cute, Joseph. Not even gonna lie.”

“I am not cute!” Joseph retorts with horror, looking at him with disbelief. Sebastian's laughs are low and rough, his grin widening. He pats Joseph on the cheek and Joseph smacks at his hand. 

“I can't believe you just called me that.”

“Well, you think I'm cute, right?” Sebastian asks, grinning still, his honey eyes twinkling with amusement. Joseph narrows his eyes at him and Sebastian gives him a shit-eating smirk. Joseph huffs and glances away, crossing his arms. Face warm, he peeks over at Sebastian's amused expression. Joseph gladly keeps it to himself that he does actually think that. Sebastian didn't have to know that, though.

“If you don't want to, you only have to say it. No need to distract me with other nonsense,” Joseph mumbles as he drops his gaze to his lap, feeling oddly defensive now. He hears a soft, disapproving noise from Sebastian, low in his chest.

A warm hand touching his cheek startles Joseph and he twitches in surprise, lifting his gaze to the other. A little smile tugs at the corner of Sebastian's mouth. He's leaning in close, bringing his hand up to brush back Joseph's bangs. Staring into Sebastian's aged, golden eyes, Joseph feels heat in his face, his heartbeat quick. 

When Sebastian leans in to press their mouths together, Joseph closes his eyes and gives a soft, contented hum against Sebastian's lips. He reaches a hand up to rest it on Sebastian's bare chest, over his collarbone, feeling the brush of his chest hair against his palm. 

They share only a few loving, closed-lip kisses until Sebastian begins to press his weight into Joseph, eager to move on already. Joseph soon gets the idea and lowers himself onto an elbow, letting Sebastian lean over him with a strong hand supporting his weight on the bed. 

Like expected, Joseph melts into the kiss. Sebastian starts giving him open-mouthed kisses, an intimate change from their tender kissing. Joseph breathes hard through his nose, eyebrows furrowing and face hot. Sebastian's smell of sweat and aftershave smothered him, which was surprisingly arousing. It was more enjoyable than the stench of cigarettes and alcohol, that Joseph knew. Sebastian pressing down into him became too much and his elbow gave out, making him drop down onto his back. Sebastian follows, moving to prop up on his forearms, his hands sliding up into Joseph's black locks.

He kisses Joseph deeply, their mouths moving together and noses bumping, until Joseph gasps for air between each kiss, urging Sebastian to move down to begin kissing at his jaw and neck. He mouths slowly and gently at the skin, making Joseph shiver, his bare hands sliding up Sebastian's biceps before moving back down in a caress. 

“Mm, Seb,” Joseph breathes out, biting his lip and keeping his eyes closed. He feels Sebastian curl his fingers around the collar of his gray t-shirt he wore to bed and tugged it down to reach his collarbone and upper chest. Joseph's legs are splayed open with Sebastian slotted between them, and it was a position that made heat burn through Joseph's body, warming his skin and most noticeably, his face. The weight of Sebastian pressing down into him, his strong hips situated between Joseph's slender thighs. It was almost embarrassing to Joseph that he could get turned on just from being pinned down under Sebastian. 

Sebastian leaning back and grabbing his shirt to begin pulling it off surprises Joseph a little, jerked from the relaxing passion of the moment. Joseph raises his arms, letting Sebastian remove the article of clothing. 

Stirred on by the action, Joseph reaches his hands between their bodies to hook his pale fingers around the waistband of Sebastian's low pyjama pants, the thick curls of hair below his belly button tickling his fingers. He flicks his gaze up to Sebastian's face to see a tiny smirk on his lips. Joseph arches a brow at him as he tugs down at his pyjama pants. 

Sebastian climbing off of him, and the bed, is a disappointment, leaving Joseph only with the cool air of the bedroom, but when Sebastian steps out of the last thing that kept his dignity, Joseph didn't mind as much. A deep chuckle comes from Sebastian when he notices Joseph is staring as he climbs back onto the bed. Joseph swallows thickly and tears his gaze away to fix it on Sebastian's amused eyes instead.

“I can't be the only one,” Sebastian murmurs with a little smirk, reaching out to grab at the waistbands of Joseph's sweatpants and underwear. With a mild tint to his face, Joseph raises his hips as Sebastian tugs them down, exposing pale hips and the trimmed hair below his belly button. Joseph's flat belly heaves with his pants, urging Sebastian to reach out and drift his calloused hand up the soft skin. 

“I still can't believe you're thirty-six. You look like you're twenty,” he murmurs, giving his partner a sly smile. Joseph shifts a little and remarks dryly, brow furrowed, “Asian genetics.” Sebastian laughs lowly, nodding. He's commented on it before, and Joseph had said the same thing in response.

Sebastian scoots closer, slotting himself between his slender legs again, to lean over Joseph, reaching a hand up to brush back his bangs. Joseph's hands meet Sebastian's bare sides and slide up over his broad back in a gentle caress. Sebastian gazes down at him, dark brown locks falling down like a curtain, his golden eyes intense as they gaze down into Joseph's.

He simply stares down at Joseph for a moment, enjoying the sight of him without his glasses, the sharpness of his eyes more visible without the distraction. When he leans down to deeply kiss him, an abrupt crashing of his mouth against Joseph's, Joseph welcomes it with a furrow of his brow and curls his hands around Sebastian's shoulders.

 

It doesn't take long to find a comfortable position. After Sebastian made quick work of preparing Joseph, they fell back into their pillows with Sebastian between his legs, pinning him down with his weight. Joseph has a hand in his locks, holding him as they kiss passionately, sharp gasps slipping between each movement of their lips with Sebastian's tongue in Joseph's mouth. He tasted like nicotine gum, so Joseph assumed he got up earlier to quell his urge with the substitute. 

Sebastian breaks the kiss to begin mouthing hungrily at his jaw. Joseph tilts his head back a little to give him more room, a weak moan crawling from his mouth. Then Sebastian is leaning back, looking down to watch as he curls his fingers around the slick shaft of his erection and guides it into Joseph. A bit back grunt comes from Joseph when Sebastian begins to slowly push in, his hands sliding from his long locks to grab tightly at his shoulders. Through squinting eyes, he looks up at Sebastian's flushed face. 

“Fuck,” Sebastian breathes, brow furrowing as he eases the rest of his throbbing cock into his partner. He keeps his fingers tight around the base until it's all in, and then he's pulling it away to hook it under Joseph's knee instead. 

“I guess this answers my question to why we don't do this so often,” Joseph wryly jokes in a strained voice, his teeth gritting and legs tensed up around Sebastian's hips. Sebastian gives a breathless laugh, moving to rest on his elbows, careful not to shift his hips as he leans in close to the other. A playful grin pulls at his lips as he looks down at the other.

“Did you forget already?”

“That you're well-endowed? Yes.”

“Joseph, I'm insulted.”

Joseph cracks a tiny smile at that, giving Sebastian a sense of victory. Sebastian leans in to press a tender kiss to his forehead, his eyes closing. Joseph lets out a soft, embarrassed noise in his throat at the gesture and gives Sebastian a narrow of his eyes when he leans back again. He was blushing. Sebastian gave him a smirk.

“You don't like it when I do that?”

“It's just... uh. It's... sappy.”

“Too bad,” Sebastian teases with amusement in his eyes, leaning in to press quick little pecks across Joseph's face. Joseph shifts a little under him, letting out another noise when Sebastian kisses him on the tip of his nose, his cheek, his chin, his brow. Joseph's eyes are squeezed shut so Sebastian takes advantage of that. Sebastian hears the hitch in his breath when he gives careful kisses to his eyelids, with the gentlest touch. 

When he leans back to gaze at his face, Joseph gives him a little glare, though the tint to his face ruins it. 

“Seb, are you usually this affectionate?”

“Well, you're the one that's been dating me. You should know.”

“Don't say dating. That's just weird to hear coming from your mouth.”

That makes Sebastian laugh, a grin breaking across his lips. He continues chuckling as he leans into press a chaste kiss to Joseph's mouth. Joseph can't help the little smile that tugs at his lips when Sebastian pulls away from the kiss.

With Sebastian leaning so close to him, their noses are nearly touching. Sebastian's grin softens to a smile as he looks into Joseph's eyes. Joseph glances at the stress lines on his face, the small bags under his eyes, the exhaustion in the golden of his irises. The tale of age and despair. It sobered Joseph a bit, but he still found it all strangely beautiful, even if that was a term that most wouldn't use to describe Sebastian.

Then Sebastian leans in to kiss him deeper this time. Joseph closes his eyes and runs a hand up over the back of Sebastian's neck as he gently returns it.

With Sebastian's hands resting over the sides of Joseph's head, his rough fingers lost in his black locks, he shifts against him, readjusting himself on the bed. Then he slowly pulls out before easing his hips back in to press against Joseph. Joseph gives a muffled noise to Sebastian's lips at the movement and tightens his legs around him, the heels of his feet digging into Sebastian's thighs.

Joseph is mostly quiet, holding back any shameful noises as he lets Sebastian kiss him firmly. He pants between each kiss, his chest heaving and brow furrowed. Sebastian gives him a chance to breathe by pulling away, catching his bottom lip between his teeth as a teasing departing bite. Joseph feels a twist of surprising arousal in his belly, his eyes snapping open to look at Sebastian's smug face. Sebastian grins a little before leaning in to begin kissing at his jaw and neck again, his hand sliding further into Joseph's soft locks, an intimate touch. Joseph closes his eyes and melts into the overwhelming warmth, letting out a deep, relaxed sigh.

While he enjoyed the gentleness of it, he liked it when Sebastian went hard. To subtly urge him to go faster, he digs the heels of his feet into Sebastian's thighs. Sebastian giving a firm bite to his collarbone in response surprises Joseph, making him suck in a breath. Sebastian leans back, looking down at Joseph with an intense, lustful gaze. Joseph tenses up, an initial response, when Sebastian drifts his rough hands down his chest and belly, the ring around his finger cool against the heat of his skin.

With a firm hold on Joseph's slender hips, thumbs resting on his hip bones, he quickens the pace of his hips, gaining a gasp from Joseph. 

Sebastian normally talks dirty just to work Joseph up, but this time he kept quiet, only panting and watching Joseph as he continues rocking his hips. He was fine with just seeing Joseph under him, hearing his quiet gasps of pleasure, enjoying the expressions he makes. No need to taint it all with teasing words. Not this time, anyways.

He leans over to kiss him hard, sliding his hands up Joseph's belly again. He stops moving momentarily to focus on the kiss. Joseph immediately brings his hands in to curl his fingers into Sebastian's long locks. Sebastian gives deep, open-mouthed kisses, pushing his tongue into Joseph's mouth. Joseph finds it hard to keep up, his eyebrows furrowed and face burning. It felt like Sebastian was devouring him and he just let it happen, willingly. 

Before leaning away, Sebastian gave a bite to his bottom lip again. Joseph's chest heaves with each breath, his eyes cracking open to look up at his partner.

Sebastian keeps his hands on Joseph's belly, thumbs rubbing over the pale skin as he starts rocking his hips again, this time with a harder thrust. Joseph props up on a low elbow and reaches down to begin touching himself, head titling back, exposing his pale neck. 

“Oh God, Seb,” Joseph moans lowly, his free hand grabbing a tight hold of the covers as Sebastian snaps his hips into him hard, making his body jerk with each one. Every time their hips met, it was accompanied by a tiny grunt from Joseph, his head lifting again to watch with narrowed eyes as Sebastian moves. 

Then Sebastian stills with a quiet curse, pressing up against him again, his pants ragged and face flushed. Joseph looks up at his face, breathing hard himself, and reaches out for him with a hand. Sebastian leans in so Joseph could set a hand on his chest, running a hand up across the hair there to cup the side of his neck. He props up on an elbow while Sebastian leans down and once again they share lips. It's gentler than the last one, Sebastian letting Joseph guide it this time. Joseph keeps it chaste and tender, sliding his hand up to hold his cheek. Sebastian gives a low rumbling hum into it and gives a couple soft purses of his lips.

When he leans back, he slowly pulls out and Joseph watches through lidded eyes as he begins to jerk himself off. Joseph tightens his legs around Sebastian and watches as he tilts his head back, exposing the length of his neck. It only took a few strokes before Sebastian is coming with a grunt, his head dropping back and eyes narrowed, lip caught between his teeth. Joseph watches, his face hot and stomach warm with arousal.

After a few heaved pants, Sebastian sluggishly lowers himself onto his belly, moving to get into position. Joseph readjusts himself on his elbows, stomach twisting with excitement when he realizes what Sebastian wanted to do.

“Seb...” Joseph begins quietly, watching as Sebastian shifts closer between his splayed open legs, his warm hands sliding around the outside of Joseph's pale thighs. Sebastian doesn't bother hiding his eagerness and immediately takes Joseph's aching cock into his mouth. Joseph gasps, watching through narrowed eyes as Sebastian brings a hand in to curl his fingers around the shaft. 

His golden eyes flick up to meet Joseph's, locking their gazes as he sucks firmly at the head of his erection, his cheeks visibly hollowing. Joseph bites hard at his lip, face burning and thighs trembling from the sensation. Sebastian doesn't look away, keeping his eyes on Joseph's face as he slowly takes all of him into his mouth, only closing his eyes when his nose meets the hair on Joseph's pubic bone.

“Oh my God, Seb,” Joseph moans, his hips giving an involuntarily buck up into Sebastian's face. He was about to apologize about it but Sebastian gives a low, vibrating hum around his cock, which sounded pleased more than anything. Joseph gives a ragged gasp, the vibrations an abrupt feeling, and grabs hard at the covers. Sebastian's hands slide around to grope firmly at his ass, his hands caught between Joseph and the bed. 

“Oh, fuck,” Joseph whispers, head falling back onto the pillows. He reaches up to thread his fingers through Sebastian's locks. Sebastian doesn't let up, keeping his entire length in his mouth while maintaining a firm suction. Joseph didn't last terribly long.

He grits out a wobbly warning before he's coming with a shaky moan, hand tightening in Sebastian's hair and hips pressing up into his face. Sebastian slowly pulls off, his lips tight and cheeks hollowed, his alluring eyes flicking up to Joseph's flushed face again. Joseph melts back into the bed, hand falling from Sebastian's hair. He keeps his eyes closed, listening as his partner moves to lay beside him with a tired grunt.

“Were you... into it this much with Myra?” Joseph asks in a breathless murmur before he could consider it. It slipped out by accident and he opens his eyes, looking at Sebastian with an apology ready on his tongue. Sebastian just laughs a little and gives him a weak grin, silencing him.

“Myra was the one that... uh,” he begins, blushing a little, which makes a tiny smile pull at Joseph's lips. Sebastian gives a clearing of his throat before continuing with a smirk, “Well. She was rather forward and thought my face was a good place to sit. Took me by surprise the first time.”

Joseph pauses at first, confused, but then it registers and he can't help the snort that slips from him. For some reason, hearing about it doesn't bother him like it used to when Myra was still in their everyday lives. He recalls all those times Sebastian would boast about how great it was being in bed with Myra, which Joseph was less than eager to hear about. Now, it was just like a memory he doesn't mind talking about, even if he wasn't involved in it. Sebastian didn't seem to mind it either. 

“So it was Myra that awakened your oral fixation, basically?”

“Uh... if that's what you call it.”

Joseph chuckles, peeking at him. Sebastian has a wry smile on his lips, eyes raised to the ceiling as he recalls the memory. Joseph looks at him for a moment, smiling softly, before he turns onto his side, moving closer to the other. Sebastian gives him a tired smile, lifting an arm to hook it around his shoulders.

It was warm and Joseph nuzzled closer to him, setting a hand on his chest. 

He had forgotten entirely about his nightmare and the fear that accompanied it and he only had Sebastian to thank.

\--------------

[Warning for self-harm up ahead!]

Most days were good. Merciful. Years after the fact, Joseph was better, as was Sebastian. But sometimes there were the bad days, which were becoming fewer and fewer. But they were still there. It usually began with the same nightmare but this time Joseph let it consume him.

Rather than wake up Sebastian, he would stumble into their bathroom, hand pressed to his forehead. It was hard to breathe. Something heavy and painful settled in his chest, in his core. Fear shot through his veins and he was soon to hyperventilate. 

Sebastian's snores were soon overlapped by the humming in his ears and his panting. Joseph leans heavily on the sink, feeling like he was going to drown. Drowning was more horrifying than the dream itself so he panicked, going back to old methods that tugged him back to reality.

He scrambles to find a shaving razor in the cabinet, knocking things over in his desperation. He locates one of Sebastian's and rips off the sharp razor itself before moving to sit down against the side of the tub. He gasps for air, bringing it to the fleshy part of his palm. Easy to conceal.

The sharp sting is like a fresh breath of air and he sags against the bathtub, his chest heaving as he watches the slow descent of the dark red. Closing his eyes, he feels them burn with the threat of relieved tears. 

He hated his weakness.

 

Sebastian knew him too well. On those bad days, when he did resort to more extreme methods, Sebastian learned of it quickly. Unfortunately. He knew Joseph removed his gloves when they had meals, so when he didn't the next day at work for lunch, he easily noticed. It was suspicious.

While Joseph was idly poking at his lunch, a hand on his forehead with his eyes downcast to the form on his desk, Sebastian put down his half-eaten sandwich which he lazily threw together that morning before standing from his chair with a quiet rattle of the wheels across the floor. He approaches Joseph from behind and reaches out to gently slide his hands across his tensed up shoulders. Joseph jumps and drops his hand from his forehead, peeking at him past his shoulder.

“How you feelin'?” Sebastian asks softly as he begins to knead his partner's wound up shoulders. Joseph swallows thickly, simply because Sebastian didn't ask that as often anymore unless he could tell Joseph was bothered. Joseph exhales, deciding he doesn't need to trouble Sebastian with his own weakness.

“I'm doing well, why?”

“Well, I noticed you didn't take off your gloves,” Sebastian begins, as blunt as ever, making Joseph tense up again and feel a weight in his stomach. He continues in a low voice, “You're always careful about getting anything on them, so I thought you were... distant. I guess.”

“Oh... I just forgot.”

Sebastian gives a little hum, squeezing his shoulders. Joseph remains tensed up and silent, waiting for him to return to his desk. When he doesn't, keeping his hands on Joseph's shoulders, Joseph feels a cold sweat begin to build on his skin. Anxiety crawls in his stomach. He didn't want to let Sebastian down again. He just didn't want him to know.

“Are you not going to remove them?” Sebastian asks in that tone he put on when he showed concern. Joseph remains quiet, setting his fork down carefully. Before he could pull his hands back into his lap, Sebastian reaches past his shoulder to snatch him by the wrist, making him jump slightly in surprise.

“Sebastian,” Joseph begins shakily, heart racing. Silently, Sebastian reaches in past Joseph's shoulder to take a hold of the hem of the glove on the hand with the telltale mark. That's when Joseph tugs his hand away with a jerk, panicked. Sebastian seems startled at first, hands hovering, but then he pulls away, giving him room. Joseph felt like his stomach was in knots.

“Joseph...” Sebastian murmurs in a soft tone. A shadow of disappointment fell into his voice and Joseph felt crushing shame. Joseph keeps his eyes fixed down on the form resting on his desk, his face flushed with unpleasant anxiety. 

“It's okay, I'm nearly done with my food anyways,” Joseph says blankly, even though he only took two bites so far. Sebastian sets a warm hand on his back. Usually it was a touch that relaxed him but this time it makes him tense up.

“Joseph, you don't have to resort to that. Just come to me.”

“I shouldn't rely on you so much, Seb,” Joseph remarks, tightening his hands into fists on the desk. He exhales shakily and adds quietly, “I don't want you to have to balance the weight of my problems too. You don't deserve that, nor do you need it.”

“Joseph, we've talked about this before,” Sebastian begins in a firmer tone, one that Joseph recognized. It was the tone he always used when he forced Joseph to keep moving in that hell. Joseph hears Sebastian pull his chair over. Sebastian takes a seat next to him and reaches out to gently cup his chin. Joseph inhales deeply and hesitatingly turns his gaze to Sebastian. Sebastian's honey eyes show exhaustion and concern and Joseph felt guilt because of it. He didn't want to trouble Sebastian like this.

“We're partners, Joseph. We have been for over a decade now. If you think that it's unfair of you to rely on me, then don't think that. Because it's not,” Sebastian begins in a low voice, keeping his hand on Joseph's jaw, forcing him to keep eye contact. He pauses just a moment before continuing with a firm tone, “I rely on you, Joseph, so it's only fair for you to rely on me, too. We are both still recovering from that shit we went through, and we both know we need each other equally. So don't close in on yourself again.”

Blankly, Joseph nods and looks into Sebastian's stern golden eyes. 

“I shouldn't have,” he begins, turning his head out of Sebastian's hold to look back at his barely touched meal, “It won't happen again.”

“Alright. If I'm ever not there, just call me,” Sebastian begins in a softer tone. Joseph feels a gentle drift of his fingertip across his forearm, a light touch which makes his heart jolt. Sebastian continues as Joseph swallows hard, “Wake me up if I'm sleeping, knock on the door if I'm busy. Nothing is a higher priority.”

Joseph feels a twitch of a smile on his lips and he peeks at the other. Something sarcastic sits on his tongue but he holds it back. Now isn't the time for wise cracks. He just keeps the strained small smile and nods. He lowers the smile and exhales deeply, looking into his partner's eyes.

“That's not one-sided either, Seb. You don't talk to me much. And I do care.”

“You don't have to worry about me,” Sebastian says firmly, sitting back in his chair and drawing his touch away from Joseph's arm. Joseph remains silent, the furrow in his brow deepening as he gazes at Sebastian's stern expression. That was unfair of him to say but Joseph doesn't speak up on it. Sebastian was stubborn and insisted on carrying everything on his shoulders. He knew now that even if he protested to what he said, Sebastian would still push him away.

It's been over three years and Joseph has only seen Sebastian truly break down twice. The PTSD left Sebastian exhausted and worn down, like he was running against the wind. Sebastian wasn't one to shed tears in front of others, but the two times it did happen in front of Joseph, he was quick to regain himself and escape into another room to gather the fallen pieces of his pride. Joseph wished he was more _raw_ like that with him. Most of the time it seemed like Sebastian was wearing a mask that rarely ever chipped.

Sebastian gives him a pat on the back once Joseph's silence marks the end of their talk and then he's rolling on back to his desk to tend to his half-eaten sandwich. Joseph tightened his gloved hand into a fist so firmly the cut in his palm hissed from the pressure. 

He was weak and his food felt like sand when he shoved it into his mouth to choke back the tears burning in his eyes. 

\--------------

Most days were good days.

The days Joseph enjoyed the most were typically on the weekend, when he convinces Sebastian to get off his lazy old butt and help him tidy up and sort their flat, which always becomes disarrayed from the work days. Joseph would focus on sorting the mess of papers and files in the living room and on their desks in their little office, which was originally an additional bedroom. Sebastian handled the dishes and swept/vacuumed the floors. 

By the time Joseph emerged from their now-organized office, he heard Sebastian singing along, rather roughly, to the music that he was playing on their stereo. It sounded like 'The Last Waltz'. Why Sebastian listened to that kind of music, Joseph had no idea. He blamed it on the fact he was old-fashioned and an old man.

Stepping out from the hallway as he adjusts his gloves, Joseph stops, noticing Sebastian swishing a mop around on their kitchen floor as he belts out a long, high note. Sebastian stops mid-mop and dramatically raises a hand along with the swell of the orchestra, singing along with Engelbert. 

The snort that slips from Joseph thankfully goes unheard, easily overlapped by Sebastian's rather passionate singing. Once the last note drifts off, Sebastian drops his hand and grabs onto the mop again. Joseph's footsteps alert him of his presence just as another song, alike to the one that just played, begins. Sebastian's head turns so fast that his body swings with it and he nearly stumbles on the wet floor.

Joseph brings a hand up to rub at his upper lip, trying to conceal his amused grin subtly. Sebastian looks embarrassed and he clears his throat roughly. He sets a hand on his hip while leaning casually against the kitchen counter, rotating the handle of the mop idly.

“Uh, hey, Joseph.”

Dropping his hand, Joseph presses his lips together, trying to quell his grin. He really couldn't help himself.

“Would it be inappropriate if I requested an encore?”

Sebastian coughs and rubs at his jaw, a tic he had when he was embarrassed.

“So you heard that.”

Joseph smirks at him and then turns to approach the fridge. He grabs the container of pomegranate juice (his favorite, which Sebastian was always baffled by) and sets it on the counter, giving Sebastian a fleeting glance before opening the cabinet. He takes out two glasses and places it by the juice.

“You ought to drink something to quench your parched throat. I imagine after singing like that, your throat must feel raw.”

“Shut up, Joseph. And you know I hate pomegranate juice.”

“Maybe this time you'll like it,” Joseph muses, struggling to hold back his laughter as he grabs the container of juice and unscrews it. He begins to fill both glasses when he hears the tap of Sebastian setting the handle of the mop against the counter. Then Sebastian comes up behind him, an abrupt motion that Joseph doesn't register in time, and pinches him on the side. Hard. Joseph jerks and spills a good amount of the drink on the counter.

Joseph turns to face him partially, hand raised to smack him on the shoulder, but Sebastian's shit-eating grin makes him pause. Sighing, he sets the jug down and reaches out to rip a paper towel from the roll. 

“Ass,” he mutters as he wipes it up. Sebastian chuckles and leans in to press a teasing kiss to the back of his head, reaching past him to snatch the glass with the least amount of juice. 

 

The shower that Joseph gratefully took following the cleaning was long. Bare of both his gloves and his glasses, he felt less grounded but the beating of the warm water helped relieve the discomfort. He's scrubbing shampoo into his black locks when he hears the creak of the bathroom door. Freezing with his muscles tensing up, Joseph's heart immediately jumps to a race and he eyes the curtain.

The irrational fear that it was one of those things, alerted by the sound of the shower, has him shaking and breathing in tight breaths. He brushes back his soapy bangs and listens carefully, hearing muted footsteps and shuffling noises. He would demand who's there but he knows that would only guide the thing closer to him.

He's nearly about to climb out the bathroom window when Sebastian's head pokes in past the shower and almost gives him a fucking heart attack. Joseph jumps and shoots a hand out to grab at the little shelf in the wall of the shower, trying not to slip. The silly grin on Sebastian's face disappears and then he pushes aside the shower curtain a bit, revealing his body that was bare of clothing.

“Shit, Joseph, did I scare you?” Sebastian asks, concern in his voice and a furrow in his brow.

Joseph shakily straightens up and closes his eyes with a sigh, reaching up to rub at his brow with his fingers.

“No. I just slipped. Come in, if you want.”

Sebastian's concern lessens and a little grin appears on his lips again. Joseph gives him a look, watching as he climbs in. Stepping back, Joseph gives the bigger man room and watches as the water slowly flattens his long locks and body hair. Sebastian reaches out to take him by the wrist, gently pulling him close. Joseph swallows thickly and lets himself be pulled against Sebastian's warm body. The terror from earlier is a distant memory, now that he was distracted by Sebastian's comforting presence. 

“You've been smiling a lot lately,” he comments quietly, gazing up at him and his goofy little grin. Sebastian hums, sliding his calloused hands up Joseph's sides before moving them around to rest on his back. Joseph feels a heat build in his face from the touch. The urge to rest his head on Sebastian's shoulder was great and he easily gave in to it. He hesitatingly places his hands on Sebastian's back in a loose embrace and gently sets his head on Sebastian's shoulder.

“As sappy as it sounds, you've made it easier,” Sebastian says in a low, soothing tone and Joseph feels Sebastian raise a hand from his back to begin threading his fingers through Joseph's wet locks.

“Well... that's good,” Joseph mumbles back, closing his eyes and fully enjoying the petting. He would think of a better reply but he felt too relaxed to really think about it. Sebastian hums lowly. Joseph exhales deeply, feeling entirely at peace in Sebastian's arms like this. 

Why they only progressed to this after the horrors they went through, Joseph didn't know. He felt like they should have done this before. It was sad how something as crippling as that brought them closer together. He didn't like how their relationship began with their instability and desperate dependance on each other, but it's not like he could really complain. He had Sebastian in the end.

“Let me wash your hair,” Joseph murmurs, patting him gently on the back. Sebastian gives a few soft chuckles, seemingly relaxed himself, and pulls away, resting his hands on Joseph's biceps as he looks over at him with a lazy tenderness in his expression. Joseph's heart raced, stirred on by that look. 

Sebastian's smile extends into a slight grin that Joseph recognized as mischief.

“Sure. As long as I get to wash your body.”

“Unfortunately, you're too late there, Seb. Already did.”

“Hey, what's so bad about being thorough?”


End file.
